Gentleman's Afternoon Tea at Sanctum Soho

The Sanctum Hotel is billed as an "opulent 30 room boutique hotel" located just off Regent Street. Although flashy, it isn't really opulent, its all fur coat and no knickers. It trades on a theme of rock star glamour and glitz but in reality is a little more Footballer's wives.  "Faux" is a horrible Gallicism designed to soften the damnation of something being just "fake" but it applies aptly to pretty much everything about The Sanctum. Banquettes are upholstered in a garish gold plush pleather and chairs are the type of burgundy high shine mock croc only previously seen on a hooker's boots in Pretty Woman. If I were to encapsulate the decor in one phrase it would probably be "Vegas wipe clean".

The walls are adorned with every permutation of modern skull art possible from neon light installations to spray painted graffiti numbers, apparently an exhibition of Dan Gold artworks. Each item has a sizeable "For sale" sign and price glued to the wall, in fact in one case the price tag was rather more tenacious than the artwork itself which is absent. The overall impression is one of overpriced stag do.  We were the only poor souls in the restaurant on a rainy Sunday afternoon making the atmosphere even more depressing.

There is something that gets my hackles up about the idea of "Gentleman's afternoon tea". Its all a bit Yorkie "not for girls" isn't it? This sentiment is reinforced by the fact the the laydeeeez alternative is the "High Tea for High Heels". That said the prospect of sliders and beef Yorkshire puddings appeals to me much more than "mini parmesan crusted fish pie" so any mild feminist indignation is cast aside. I had heard good things about the Gentleman's Afternoon Tea and found a deal online for two people for £75 instead of £50 each. This seemed pricey still but as it included a whisky and a cigar I thought that to be the reason for the uplift beyond the London £35-40 average price tag. What follows is unfortunately a description of the worst afternoon tea I have ever been served at an arrogantly inflated price.

Tea and coffee is "unlimited" but considering the tea options are all bags made by Twinings this really ought to go without saying. My green tea was an accurate representation of Twinings green tea as was the English Breakfast tea.  That's the best I can say about it. 

My main complaint with the menu at Sanctum was that various bits of it sounded fantastic in theory but in reality didn't ressemble their description in the slightest. For example "seared steak with mushrooms and peppers on sourdough" was actually a slice of cold, wet roast beef on stale wholemeal sliced bread. Yes, you could argue I'm being picky, after all its still a beef sandwich but don't describe it to sound better than it really is (especially if you're going to reuse the same sliced beef later on as something else).

The oysters themselves were not bad but the "bloody mary" sauce on them was extremely spicy.

The smoked salmon, watercress and caviar bagel was a good size but the bagel was a bit too doughy and heavy rendering it rather chewy. Although the salmon was well smoked it was just laid in a bare bagel with a sprig of watercress plonked on top. I see from the "girls"  option that their menu has a lemon creme fraiche, smoked salmon bagel; the simple addition of some creme fraiche may well have improved the version that I received immeasurably.

The second platter most closely resembled something you would expect to see in your local Slug & Lettuce as a bargain basement happy hour platter to line those rosé swilling stomachs. The Yorkshire puddings were a dry splodge of batter with a small roll of roast beef inside with the stingiest topping of horseradish I have ever seen (we asked for an extra portion of sauce). Incidentally the beef was the same stuff served as "seared steak" during the first course. The mini slider burgers were ok flavourwise but completely overcooked and the bun wasn't the freshest. I understand that the restaurant doesn't usually open on a Sunday for dining and is only there for afternoon tea so if I was being generous I might surmise that the "usual" chef isn't working on a Sunday. As you can see from the photo its all rather beige.....

The lamb and potato hotpot was as close to a 'highlight' of the experience as you could get in that it was okay. It had a decent cheesy mashed potato topping and well seasoned pink lamb filling. This made it more of a shepherd's pie than a hotpot and it could have done with a little more gravy but it wasn't bad. 

The "rabbit, pancetta and leek pasty" was dry and stringy at best, and utterly bereft of any sign of pancetta whatsoever in either one and, frankly,  if that was rabbit then you can call me Flopsy and knock me down with a cotton tail. 

Dessert was an inedible abomination. Billed as "Twice baked chocolate fudge cake with Jack Daniels ice cream" it was actually half of a dried out nut brownie on a completely unnecessary squirt of raspberry sauce accompanied by something purporting to be ice cream. Actually inedible. To add insult to injury it was the half of the brownie that had been cooked at the edge of the pan on two sides leading to extra dry crumbliness. The ice cream had essentially had too much alcohol put in it therefore destining it for an inevitable doom of failing to freeze. The cream had completely split resulting in texturally horrible splurges of grease. I really cannot describe eloquently enough quite how vile it was.

We left it virtually untouched and sprang onto the whisky element of the menu -after all you can surely not go wrong pouring a whisky (either standard JD, a honey version or the Gentleman's Jack were on offer- although not in a 'tankard' as billed). The honeyed option was really good and reminded me of the basis of an Old Fashioned. The cigars were pocketed for another time and we paid up and scarpered.

They say that every cloud has a silver lining and in the case of the Sanctum this was most definitely the service. Our waitress was a ray of sunshine and did her best to make our experience pleasant despite the slurry of dross being ejected from the kitchen hatch. She showed an interest in what we were doing later in the day and loved to talk about food, drink and her home region. I have no idea what Sanctum's policy is on division of service charge but you can't hold front of house staff responsible for bad cooking so I only hope that the  12.5% goes directly and entirely to her and is not swallowed into the pockets of a greedy hotelier because she deserves it and they don't. She was upset to hear that we hadn't enjoyed our experience (I don't believe in pretending everything was okay then slating it online later so I was up front about it) and said she would pass on the feedback to the hotel and they would likely be in touch. I'm unsurprised to say that a week later I haven't heard a thing. 

When you think that tea at somewhere that really understands the meaning of the word 'opulent' like The Lanesborough or the Goring is around the same price overall when you include a glass of champagne then the Sanctum is little short of a disgrace and I have no compunction about saying so.

We left still feeling hungry and popped round the corner to Yauatcha to top up on a couple of dishes of dim sum. The cocktails there are still fantastic and the food great too so maybe go there instead, or anywhere else actually, just not Sanctum. 

1/5 (for the service)

Afternoon Tea at Sanctum Hotel, Soho
Warwick Street, London
0207 2926100
 

Bistro Union, Clapham

I love Adam Byatt's first restaurant, Trinity, nestled away in Clapham's Old Town. Good honest produce, cooked well. Bistro Union was his much heralded second opening on Clapham's Abbeville Road just a stone's throw away from Trinity. I knew we weren't looking at fine dining but other than that didn't know what to expect. What I got was a warm and welcoming neighbourhood bistro with plenty of options whatever the size of your wallet or appetite.  It wasn't all plain sailing though....

A drinks list offers a decent selection of both wine and cocktails and something I've never seen before, what are essentially mini cocktails as a pre prandial snifter. I had a gin based confection for only around £3.

A brown paper roll announces the day's bar snacks and either offers something to nibble on or a selection of cheap starters depending on how you look at it. Pork crackling with apple sauce sounded like the perfect accompaniment to some menu perusal. The uniform sticks of crackling were very pretty and the apple sauce tangy and not over sweet but the crackling didn't seem super fresh meaning that, rather than being crunchy hard, they had softened off slightly into both chewy and hard. Every bite felt rather like I was tightrope walking a precipice into potential dental disaster unfortunately and this may have been the first time that I didn't finish a pork product.

A carafe of wine was plonked in front of us unceremoniously and we were left to sample and pour our own.  However after trying to pour it myself I can see why the server didn't want to pour it for us. The carafes are clearly designed by the same mischievous person who designed those metal cafe teapots that resolutely refuse to pour liquid into a cup but result in more of it ending up on your hands and the tablecloth. 

The house red wasn't bad and works fine as a "gulper" to accompany a basic dinner. 

Service was a little haphazard with wrong dishes appearing and disappearing at frequent intervals. Some of the staff were super friendly whilst one was clearly having a bad day with his own personal rain cloud

Mushroom, wild garlic and fennel tart came from the small bites menu which are kept on the bar counter. It was very tasty although I couldn't identify fennel amongst the flavours. If tasted blindfolded I would have thought it just creamy mushroom and garlic. 

Mac n cheese was good and worth going back for especially for a vegetarian. Properly nice and gloopy with thoughtful vegetable additions  which might annoy a macaroni purist but turned it successfully from a side dish into a veggie main course.

Bavette was cooked medium rare (I had been warned that it would be too chewy rare) and to be honest it was still overly chewy and half of it stayed on the board. Chips were very good  but please, for the love of god, stop using those infernal mini ketchup bottles! On one hand you have to shake it like an imbecile to get anything out and even then half of it stays in the bottle to be eternally unreachable even when you root around in there with your knife. They must be an absolute bugger to clean and they waste so much sauce. I pity the poor sod that has to fill them each day. The mushroom ketchup that was served with the steak (in one of the annoying bottles) was not very mushroomy and had more of an anchovy taste to it and, well, just wasn't very nice really. If you want to make mushroom ketchup take a leaf out of Heston's book I reckon.

Chocolate and coconut flapjack was a little on the tough and dry side resulting in yet another sore tooth moment. The ice creams and sorbets though are definitely worthwhile and a great little sweet ending to my carnivore meal (I don't know what it is but when I'm dining with a vegetarian I always seem to inadvertently order the most bloodthirsty options possible oops.)

Although it was, overall, a pleasant evening and supper, I was left wondering whether some kind of deal had been done with the dentists down the road to cause maximum risk of tooth based troubles after dining. Between the crackling, the steak and the flapjack I did begin to sense a conspiracy.... Considering the pedigree of head chef Karl Goward (Soho House New York, St John Bread & Wine) I might have expected more consistency in all honesty. 

Would I go back? Yes, if I was meeting friends locally and wanted a bottle of wine with a really good selection of bar snacks, then I would. The menu is extremely good value, especially the bar snacks.  It is very much a neighbourhood restaurant but probably not worth travelling the length or breadth of London for (whereas Trinity very much is).

Bistro Union
40 Abbeville Rd, London SW4 9NG
020 7042 6400

Afternoon Tea at the Sanderson

I seem to have acquired a bit of an afternoon tea habit in recent months. Served late enough in the day to pop open something fizzy, it always feels like something of a celebration. I somehow try and justify that filling myself with a plethora of pastries and sandwiches is a good thing on the basis that a) tea can replace lunch and dinner thereby meaning you eat one less meal making it "healthy" and b) all the components are bite size small (although I'm sure that it would be frightening to see them all in a big heap). I am also supremely confident that this is a false economy. 

I'm not the only one that has jumped willingly onto this cake laden band wagon. There are now whole websites devoted to identifying the best afternoon teas. Some years ago it seemed to be only tourists who came to London with "afternoon tea" on your tick list of things to do.  Now even long time Londoners are regularly to be found gossiping away over a pot of lapsang souchong and a plate of scones. 

Some  London eateries are going out of their way to find methods (I was going to say gimmicks but that might be unkind) of marking themselves out from the competition.  The Berkeley has the "Pret a Portea", BRGR Soho is currently marketing a "burger afternoon tea" and the Sanctum Soho hotel is doing a men's afternoon tea replete with mini burgers and JD and they are just the tip of the iceberg.

The Sanderson has gone down the route of an Alice in Wonderland "Mad Hatters" theme. Their website has a bizarre warning that fancy dress will not be tolerated which gave me fantastic mental images of someone taking theme a bit too literally and turning up late dressed as a giant rabbit. 

On arrival I wandered through the bustling main restaurant area, hoping my table was not one of the indoor high ones with stools (who wants to eat afternoon tea perched atop a bar stool?) until I found P lounging in the corner of the garden. Phew. 

The Japanese garden once the crowds had cleared

Perhaps it didn't help that I had a colossal hangover, but I expect an afternoon tea to be a soothing, calming experience. What should be a haven of outdoor tranquility (especially as its called the "Japanese Garden") is spoilt partly due to the sheer number of tables they have crammed out there each with a two hour turnover- don't even think of trying to have a private conversation-  and secondly due to an excessively noisy water feature. I feel a bit like "Outraged of Tunbridge Wells" even using the phrase "excessively noisy water feature" but its actually really annoying. It took four, yes FOUR, attempts at ordering a Diet Coke before the waiter could hear me and he blamed the water feature. Yep, sure it looks pretty but can't it be pretty a bit more quietly? (doesn't that apply to so many things/people in life?)

A silver tray of four crystal bottles introduces the four specialist teas including mint chocolate (chocolate tea? Hmmmm), strawberry, rhubarb and custard and  apple pie. They all smelt either sickly sweet or rather overly perfumed to me (and one actively looked like pot pourri) so I opted for a standard green tea which arrived in a suitably themed teapot. 

So onto the actual food (when it finally arrived that is, well over 30 minutes into our 2 hour "slot"). 

The carrot meringues in a pot of pea shoots make a visually stunning topper to the tea carousel but, again, had no real flavour and had gone very slightly mushy. 

The highlight for me was a delicate dark chocolate cup filled with a white chocolate matcha mousse topped with a pink chocolate daisy. Totally OTT clearly and very much on the sweet side but very delicious. A victoria sponge clock was also a tasty play on the classic and deserving of its place on the tea stand.

The real let down of the outing, however, were the savouries. I know that in the original book Lewis Carroll described sandwiches that were rolled "like hedgehogs" but the fact is that unless the bread is super fresh sandwiches aren't made for rolling. In this case they were crumbling apart and seemed slightly stale. I appreciate that when you're serving what must have been topping in excess of 200 covers every 2 hours you can't make a fresh batch for each table but if you can't do them well, don't do them at all.  The fillings were the standards with a twist; ham and mustard on tomato bread, smoked salmon and lemon butter on rye bread, egg mayonnaise on a slight funny sweet tasting bread (the menu claimed it to be egg and smoked sea salt on lemon bread) and a cream cheese and cucumber roll on spinach bread. 

The savoury scone was a high point with a dense flaky crumb served with herb butter. Most disappointing of all, perhaps, was the chocolate scone. It didn't look like a scone for starters. Scones are supposed to rise. They are supposed to have a gentle outer crust that breaks to reveal a soft, warm inner just crying out for clotted cream and jam. These were rock cakes. They should have been embarrassed to serve them in all honesty.

Talking of being embarrassed to serve something, this brings me finally onto the cheese and tomato quiche. I genuinely would not have served these misshapen objects to any guest in my home and I'm no professional. A heavy, clumsy blob of solid shortcrust pastry contained a tiny teaspoon of under seasoned eggy cheese mix topped with a shrivelled cherry tomato quarter (too shrivelled to be fresh and not shrivelled enough to be sun-dried; just ugly!)

The experience ends with what is optimistically titled "jelly wonderland" which turns out to be a table that you can go and serve yourself from buffet style of various flavoured jellies. I was too full to be bothered especially after P had reliably informed me that a) it was hard to determine what flavour each one was supposed to be and b) they were all horrible. 

Price wise, at £35 (without champagne) its on a par with some of the other big hitters but the quality was not there for me both in terms of food and service. Despite the extremely patchy service there is 15% service whacked on top though which almost brings it into line with the total cost at the Ritz and I know where I'd rather be. It was a fun afternoon and a good girly activity - maybe as a break from shopping on Oxford Street, perhaps ideal for a hen party as you wouldn't be making too much noise. I think I will carry on my quest for the perfect afternoon tea for now though as I didn't find it here. 

Mad Hatter's Tea Party @ The Sanderson
50, Berners Street, London W1T 3NG. 
(0207) 3001400

 

Shrimpy's Outside Grill, Kings Cross

Shrimpy's is located a little way off the main thrust of the new Kings Cross complex and about a five to ten minute walk down York Road away from the station. Just as you're wondering whether you've missed the turn off, the neon lights of the "Filling Station' appear and you hang a left into what must until comparatively recently have been industrial wasteland alongside the canal. The rejuvenation of the station must have done wonders for the canalside too, I can fully imagine it used to be home to upturned shopping trolleys. The building itself used to be a BP garage the husk of which is still apparent from the flat roof over the outside grill. To this shell, however, has been added a frame of corrugated wiggles that light up once the sun has gone down.  

The majority of clientele are painfully fashionable hipster types populated with the earnest young staff of the neighbouring Guardian/Observer building but I didn't feel as self conscious as I used to in Hoxton a decade ago when it was the epitome of cool.  It would be fair to say that Kings Cross has undergone nothing short of a miracle renaissance over the last couple of years progressing from somewhere that you went to only for the Eurostar to a dining destination. Its not quite there yet, the area around the station itself is still a building site, but the addition of places like Grain Store and Shrimpy's are all good news. Next summer its going to rock. 

I've got to start by highlighting that I've only been to the outdoor grill and not to the fancier indoor restaurant, I'd like to have tried dishes like the soft shell crab burger and prawn fritters with green chilli and lime inside but unfortunately we were out of luck on the table front (unlike much of hip London they do take reservations indoors). Both indoors and outdoors are a novel spin on Mexican street and beach food unlike anywhere else I've been to in London. To ensure a table space at the outdoor grill area on a reasonably warm evening you need to be there by 6pm latest.

Drinks are limited to a selection of whats on tap plus a couple of wines so the full range consisted of Bitburger beer (£4 a pint or £2.50 a half) , Hogan's cider, red & white wine (£4), the margarita of the day (pineapple and coconut for me) and prosecco (£5 each). 

I got a little caught out by the menu. Like so many places they have simplified it down to single ingredients so when I ordered 'barbecued pork belly' and some smoked 'aubergine, caramelised onion provoleta' I assumed they were tapas style dishes but no they were ruddy great sandwiches (or 'tortas' as they're known), not that I'm complaining they were pretty good value at £7 and £6 each. Too much for me to eat alone but the guys sitting next to us left happy (and one of them is now even a vegetable convert who didn't think he liked aubergine so they must have been good) The pork belly was shredded pulled pork style and mixed with a lightly vinegared red cabbage slaw and guacamole. The aubergine was roasted until soft and oily and cradled by the squidgy slick of melted cheese and onions. Whole husks of corn are thrown on the barbecue and come out super sweet so a bargain at £3. No pictures though, it was too dark by the time I got round to eating. 

The one weird quirk is that you are not allowed to pay by cash. Yep, you read that right, hard currency bearing the queen's head is not welcome at these premises! Card only. Sounds a bit dubious legally to me but just make sure you take some plastic with you. 

In summary, its not fancy but its a great way to spend a sunny Friday evening pretending that you're abroad by the waterside until a canal boat floats past and reminds you where you are!

Shrimpy's
Kings Cross Filling Station, Goods Way, London. N1C 4UR
(0208) 8806111

Thai on the River, Battersea

Location, location, location.  Its a catchphrase that has spoken only the truth since way before Kirsty and Phil got their hands on it and one that applies in spades to Thai on the River. Despite London being split in two by the long winding Thames there are comparatively few good places to eat overlooking the river compared to the length of water. Sure The Ship is lovely at Wandsworth Bridge as is The Gun over at the Eastern end and there are plenty of other gastro type pubs but they get understandably rammed the moment that we have a glimpse of sun by drinkers. So where to go that might not be so well known?

Located overlooking the Thames, Thai on the River has a fabulous view of the river with access from both the river path and also the main road to the rear. There are few things in London that can make a person quite as happy as a beer on a warm evening by the side of the river.  I think this is, unfortunately,  possibly the only reason that TOTR limps on as a going concern though (that and their takeaway service).  I tend to end up visiting once every couple of years and have never seen it any more than a quarter full despite pretty decent food and the river view. 

On the downside, the restaurant is located very close to Battersea heliport so any chance at conversation is intermittently drowned out by the landing of a nearby aircraft.  If you aren't approaching from the riverside then it is also a bit of a toad to get to which can't help dining numbers. The 170 bus from Clapham Junction will take you there but other than that its a good 15 minute walk from nearest overland station and 10 minutes to the nearest main road for other buses. 

The wine list is really very limited and unimaginative whilst also not necessarily selected to match Thai food (for example there are no Riesling or Gewurztraminer wines on show). There is, however, the only Thai wine ever to have gained wider repute (or notoriety depending on your thoughts on it) in the form of Monsoon Valley. That said, a glass of house champagne is £7 and a Singha beer £3.50 so its not like you're stuck for reasonably priced options. 

The menu offers little beyond standard thai fare so I wouldn't come here thinking you're going to find anything remotely innovative or groundbreaking. P opted for corncakes to start with sweet chilli dip. To say that they weren't fabulous is a little bit of an understatement, the batter mix outweighed the corn content and wasn't cooked through so there was quite a gungy, doughy texture that clogged up your teeth. The non-veggie fish cake version was far superior with a spicy chilli blast, that sort of spongy springy fish filling that only Thai fish cakes have and a good deep golden colour.

The chicken massaman was a total triumph. I have eaten a few too many watery, over spiced slops claiming to be a massaman recently so was overjoyed when this one had the thick creamy consistency it ought to with a fantastic depth of flavour.  The coconut was prevalent but didn't drown out the more subtle cardamom and cinnamon notes. It also had a gentle growing warmth rather than an eye watering blast of spice.  Ultimately, I think that I prefer a beef or lamb massaman where the super slow cooking has broken down the meat to "fall apart on your fork" consistency of the type that you find at the Blue Elephant however the chicken was succulent and plentiful. Jobs a good'un.  

P liked her veggie red curry and had nothing but praise for it although I thought it a little insipid and not quite as spicy as I would have expected. 

No complaints from the coconut rice however the sticky rice took the word "sticky" to new heights. Glued in a giant dollop into the little basket it arrived it, it took effort worthy of a Crystal Maze game to prise it out and split a chunk off to eat. 

Sadly, as with many Thai restaurants, desserts are nothing to write home about so we gave it a miss.

Mains are between £8-12 so we aren't talking crazy prices and there is a 10% discount if you book in advance online. There is a very varied £20 set menu for two people plus and there is also an unlimited Sunday buffet for £16 a head which sounds as though it could be excellent value. 

I feel a little sorry for Thai on the River. It has been in situ for decades as a good local Thai with a solid local customer base. Suddenly along comes Blue Elephant moving into a location only a few hundred yards down the road and TOTR becomes the shabbier little brother. I hope that it can cling on. 

Would I go back? Yes but only to sit on the terrace on a balmy, summer's evening and nibble away. If its just for Thai food and its not a sunny warm day then are probably better places to visit. 

Thai on the River
2 Lombard Rd  Battersea, SW11 3RQ
020 7924 6090

The Ivy

The uncharacteristic heatwave of the last few weeks has made us forget the wash out weeks of June when we all thought a sunny day would remain ever elusive.  On a June Friday night pre-theatre visit to the Ivy, as I shook off my umbrella having been splashed by a passing taxi, comfort food was close to my mind. Comfort food is something that the Ivy undoubtedly does extremely well. Once past various paparazzi images of celebs falling out of or into cabs, a Google search of "The Ivy" would be guaranteed to bring up more references to cosy options like sausages and mash, shepherds pies and berries with white chocolate sauce more frequently than any other dishes. 

I think that certain myths abound about the present day Ivy, none of which have ever been my experience:

1) Its really hard to get a table

2) Service is snooty

3) Its really expensive

True enough, I'm not suggesting that you can just walk in without a booking but if you know when you want to eat and ring up a couple of weeks in advance for prime time then I've never struggled. On more than one occasion I have called for same day pre-theatre tables and succeeded. Equally, it is isn't cheap but, whereas it was very expensive in the uber-fashionable heydays of the late nineties and early noughties, prices haven't gone up much in the last few years. Many mains are between £15-£27 which is the going rate in many a half decent West End location these days. As for the service, I've always found it to be smiley, efficient and effective. 

Now that the bulk of the celebrity throng has drifted on to pastures new many of the regulars at the Ivy are, (how to put it politely?) getting on a little in the tooth- perhaps explaining the preponderance of comfort food. That said, there is always a buzzy atmosphere, even at 5.30pm when the pre theatre crowd are in full swing. The menu also offers a wide variety of options and regularly changes with only a few stalwarts keeping their place on the list. If you want to go with grilled fish and salad, hold the dressing then that's absolutely possible (you'd be an idiot to but if you're that type then you're probably not reading this blog to begin with...)

Summer was in evidence only in that beautiful English asparagus can be found featuring on London menus. There can be few things more lovely than the simple delight of the first crop of English asparagus dipped into fresh hollandaise sauce. The Ivy offers a starter portion for £12 which seemed a little steep for a vegetable starter but it was pretty huge,  we shared it between 3 as an ample light starter and used the spears to mop up every last drop of smooth hollandaise. Properly delicious. 


Despite several people having recommended the shepherd's pie to me, I've not yet selected it as my own option (i'm not the world's biggest lamb mince fan)  but definitely will on my next visit. The gravy is exceptionally rich with a surprising depth of flavour (dare I mention that overused term 'umami'? No thought not...) Topped with fluffy, buttery potato peaks just crisped off to a golden brown. Its also enormous, I'd challenge anyone to order it and leave hungry.  One thing that does up the cost a bit at the Ivy is the fact you do really need to order sides of vegetables, as you can see from the Shepherd's pie, without a side order its just meat.


The wine list has some pretty heavy hitters with suitably stratospheric price tags to match as you would expect with some of The Ivy's clientele; £450 for an '88 Ch Palmer or £195 for a '94 Leoville Barton. That said, there are options under £30 and I went for a Montellori chianti at £35. Light enough not to smash through the subtlety of the veal but strong enough to stand up to the shepherd's pie. Job done. 

A caveman sized veal chop sourced from Southern Ireland was a beautiful rose colour and as tender as can be. A rich sticky jus was accompanied by broad beans and watercress. I'm a recent convert to veal. I'm ashamed to say that historically I had few cares about where my food came from with the sole exception of veal. The idea of the palest white meat on an Austrian schnitzel plate meaning that the little calf may not have seen the light of day was pretty horrid so for years veal was verboten. I'm even more ashamed to say that it was Janet Street Porter that converted me. Seeing her explain on tv that actually lots of British bull calves were being slaughtered because noone wanted their meat seemed like even more of a waste so I started eating it again and boy am I glad I did. A good British or Irish rose veal is a delicious thing. 


Crackling pork belly with parsley mash and honey carrots was another success eliciting oohs and ahhs from every slippery, glistening mouthful.  I can also vouch from previous visits that the sausages and mash with onion gravy would take some beating. None of this stuff is in any way healthy, the mash is more butter than it is potato but by god, its good. 

Hot chocolate souffle with mint ice cream was essentially like a chocolate fondant served in a ramekin rather than what you would traditionally think of as a souffle but no complaints coming from me.  It was, completely, utterly, irrefutably divine. I even cast aside my weird aversion to combining hot and cold things as the mint ice cream was plunged down into the oozy fondant centre. 


A lot of people think that my Dad is fussy (some say that I might have inherited it.....) but I know he's not really. All he wants is simple food made from good quality ingredients, prepared well. He's not alone in that I suspect but its amazing how often places manage to get it wrong. If any restaurant gives him an excellent but simple steak and chips followed by apple pie he will be loyal forever. Apple pie is a rarely seen item on many menus these days though. I tend to involuntarily hold my breath when my Dad gets to the dessert menu as its so often all about deconstructed lemon meringue pies with crumbs of meringue on the side or jellied blobs of weird savoury stuff mixed in with a dash of fruit puree. But a simple apple pie is a wondrous thing so it was with a sigh of relief that I saw it on the Ivy dessert list. It didn't disappoint either. 

I'm not suggesting that The Ivy is cheap by any stretch of the imagination, however it isn't as crazy outlandish as many imagine and I have to disagree with its detractors, from my multiple visits it has never been anything other than an absolute pleasure and I have no doubt that I will be returning time and time again (especially as my parents now seem to view it as their new London haunt...).

The Ivy

1-5 West St  London WC2H 9NQ 020 7836 4751

Bumpkin, South Kensington

Bumpkin has crept onto the London restaurant market over the last couple of years and spread its tentacles throughout the more traditionally well heeled areas of London. Now appearing in Notting Hill, South Kensington and Chelsea (or "Glamorous Chelsea" as it is described on their website) it is most definitely designed to attract a certain crowd. I'm thinking hangover food for the cast of Made in Chelsea or buggy friendly brunch for perplexed couples looking lost on a Sunday morning when the nanny's got a day off.  The focus here, as we are repeatedly reminded at every opportunity,  is on keeping it British. 

Even the name of the chain tells us a lot. A bit oldy worldy and countrified. Its designed to appeal to those who would ideally take little Tarquin and Lily to the Cotswolds country cottage at weekends to appreciate everything "rural" but have found themselves into negative equity on the townhouse so this will have to do for now. The decor is rustic chic (sometimes too rustic, I snagged my dress on the underside of a table). Leather banquettes rest alongside aged tables and wilting flowers nestle on the side in recycled glass vessels whilst posh wall paper and chandeliers do just enough to make sure we don't forget it's more than a country pub. Ultimately, its a middle class eaterie churning out all the right phrases that make well to do Londoners feel good about themselves; organic, locally sourced, sustainable blah blah. Yes, its all important stuff but its not a business model.  

Sitting in the bar with the intention of a pre-prandial glass of white, I struggled to get the attention of anyone working there. Despite three people stood chatting at a till less than two metres away I was left with my arms flailing wildly like a loon to manage to place an order. Having eventually succeeded in hailing a passing waitress my first choice was "off" and the second arrived just before we were taken to our table. The wine list is limited at best and lacking in quality. Replete with the popular favourites by the glass (all the usual suspects are present, Australian chardonnay, pinot grigio etc) there is nothing there that is going to rock your world or widen your wine knowledge. A £30 bottle of picpoul de pinet was a little too acidic and rather overpriced (£6-7 a bottle retail). 

Despite the menu being pretty wide ranging with nine separate themed sections (such as "Best of British Pies", "Sides from the Garden" and "From British Shores")  I was stumbling to find something that really rocked my boat and made me think "eat me now"..

After rattling mechanically and slightly incomprehensibly through the day's specials, we managed to establish from the waitress that there were two fish specials which we both ended up ordering. In my case this took the form of the monkfish wrapped in bacon with roast asparagus.  Hailing as I do from asparagus land on the borders between Warwickshire and Worcestershire, I am conscious that I am used to very high quality seasonal asparagus. Perhaps this has set lofty standards for my taste in the stuff or perhaps not. This was not so great. Rather too woody in the stem and slightly undercooked, it was a little underwhelming. The monkfish, though, was beautifully cooked. Firm and springy to the touch whilst maintaining a moist succulence. The outstanding highlight of the dish, though, was a bacon tomato jam. Deeply savoury with the salty smoke of the bacon prominent, it was an absolute joy. If I could only have nipped in, bought a jar of the stuff and scooted out again perhaps I would have a rather better opinion of Bumpkin. 

Lacking in carbs somewhat I ordered a side order of chips which arrived in the now ubiquitous mini frying basket and were good and crispy on the outside but a little floury inside. Their main flaw however was that they had a faint but pervading flavour of fish making me wonder whether the fish from the fish and chips (listed on the menu as "sustainably sourced and very British!" - quel surprise...) had been cooked in the same oil.

C went for the other fishy special in the form of a whole seabass. Granted he's not particularly photogenic and would have me running for the hills with all those bones, skin and that milky eye but apparently he was quite well cooked if rather overpriced. 

So pros and cons. The food we had was decent quality and generally presented and prepared competently. Service was mediocre at best. So here's the rub. At over £40 a head for one course and a bottle of very standard wine it didn't feel like great value for money. Would I go back again? If someone told me they were going I wouldn't tell them not to but equally I won't be rushing to recommend it. 

A decade ago Bumpkin would probably have been rather innovative in its offerings both in terms of presentation, sourcing of ingredients and outlook but in a post jubilee come down and a much more crowded market for posh pub grub its image and menu are all rather hackneyed. 

Call me snobby but I'm also yet to find anywhere truly worth revisiting that has also featured in an episode of Made in Chelsea. There is a definite correlation developing. First came an average meal at Le Cercle and their subsequent PR release about featuring in the illustrious Bafta winning show and then up popped Bumpkin on screen in more than one episode. I'm sensing a trend and may have to keep watching only in the interests of knowing where not to go you understand.....

Bumpkin
102 Old Brompton Road
London SW7 3RD
Tel: 020 7341 0802