The Hind's Head, Bray

When you mention the name Heston Blumenthal to most people they tend to think of crazy scientific gastronomic experimentation. Neither the Fat Duck nor Dinner are exactly 'normal' restaurants are they? 

So what have we here? Heston doing posh pub grub? And being awarded a Michelin star for it....

After finding out earlier this year   when we visited Waterside Inn how comparatively simple it is to get to Bray and still have a drink, we got on the Windsor train from Clapham Junction and set off. Three quarters of an hour later you arrive splat in the centre of Windsor (worth a wander in itself) and then a 10 minute cab journey out to Bray). If you're more team North London then get a train from Paddington to Maidenhead - its quicker still in terms of both train and cab. 

Grapefruit tea

Despite the enduring Roux family presence in the small village of Bray, its fair to say that Heston is doing something of a "Stein" and building up a mini empire in a very small area. The stable that started with the Fat Duck now includes not only the Hind's Head just down the road but also The Crown which was purchased in 2010 serving more down to earth pub food.  There are parallels between Dinner and The Hinds's Head in that both play greatly on the use of little known old recipes and the history of food - if anything it feels more authentic in the tudor style surroundings of the Hind's Head than the more opulent London Mandarin Oriental.



After a hair raising cab journey (crawling at 20 miles/hr in a 60 mile area than 40-50 in a 30 zone causing a snake of angry traffic behind us) we needed a drink. The cocktail list at HH is small but perfectly formed. 

Strawberry concoction

Grapefruit tea was beyond beautiful. A delicate earl grey flavour was infused throughout by virtue of both earl grey syrup and gin.  My starter for ten was a strawberry confection which was nice but not mindblowing. Rhubarb fizz was a delicate aperitif with beautiful candied rhubarb soaked in the bottom of a glass of champagne.

It must be virtually obligatory to begin any meal at HH with a scotch egg (or three). A perfectly soft boiled quail's egg is encased in slightly peppery, soft pork sausage and a dark orange salty crumb crust. Heston very publicly spent a lot of time perfecting the scotch egg which has been copied from here to eternity since but this one rocks. 

Having already eaten a scotch egg I decided to stay away from meat for the starter and fixed on the jasmine smoked salmon with dill cream and pickled beets. The jasmine flavour was subtle but undoubtedly present and the beets gently pickled and soft. The salmon wasn't particularly smoky (and I do love a good dose of smoke) but had it been then the jasmine would have been overpowered I fear. 

It was good smoked salmon without any doubt but it was no competition for the chicken liver brûlée which was out of this world. I rarely suffer from dish envy but today was unfortunately to be one of those days. I become an irritant to all around me when this happens as I will just end up inadvertently mooning with puppy dog eyes at the better looking plate until a dollop of whatever has attracted me is handed over. Thank goodness then for the decent sized portions at HH. The lightest fluffiest liver parfait was concealed under the caramel crack of a sugar topping.  My only complaint would be that the sourdough bread was a little overcharred and the burnt flavour did permeate through the dish. A was also clearly taken with this dish as the following day a link to the recipe landed in my inbox and will be made very soon. You can find it on Red Magazine's website here. 

A opted for the Ham hock and foie gras terrine which was very prettily presented and tasted good but wasn't exceptional. The piccalilli was very zingy and rather too overpowering if you had it with the terrine (as is clearly intended). Nice but no rosette.

On the wine front, the list is reasonably extensive and varied if slightly on the high side (its definitely London prices). At £71 a bottle a Frank Phelan second wine from Saint Estephe estate Phelan Segur was a good claret, still young and purple on the eye but reasonably balanced in acidity and tannin for a non-optimal vintage. That said, it was far from cheap and I  found out later that it retails at around £20 making it well over a 200% increase. El Pajaro Rojo at £34 for a £10- £12 retail wine is slightly better value (and not vastly different to the £32 it is sold for at Tom's Kitchen) and a Chateauneuf du Pape, Domaine de Beaurenard, Rhone Valley 2007 is £37 at Sipp but £82 on the wine list (121% increase) so maybe I just got unlucky on the mark up. 

With bellies already rotund from scotch eggs and starters we moved towards main courses. I plumped for the veal sirloin on the bone with sauce 'reform' and soused cabbage and onion. I confess to not having been entirely sure that "Reform" sauce was but it had a quite sweet but piquant taste and viscous texture with a citrus lilt. Subsequent Googling confirmed that the recipe takes its name from the Reform Club in London where Victorian celebrity chef of the day, Alexis Soyer, created the recipe to accompany lamb cutlets as one of the club's signature dishes.  We all agreed that were we in a Masterchef-style palate test there was a significant chance that we would have mistaken the veal chop for gammon. It had the same sinuous texture and was smoky from its chargrill but still utterly delicious. Topped with strips of boiled egg white and sausage as well as a salty crumb it provided interesting textures to an otherwise standard chop. It was beautifully cooked and I came within a hair's breadth of picking up the bone and chewing but the surroundings ensured that I had some sense of decorum left (had I been in Soho I would doubtless have been a chewin').  

A ordered the Hereford rib eye with bone marrow sauce, cooked medium rare so the fat had melted beautifully into the pink flesh. The sauce was as rich as rich can be with blobs of bone marrow adding an extra gloss. Really good.

The french fries served as a side order were just that; fries. I had been looking forward to a portion of triple cooked chips a la Heston but was reliably informed by the waitress that they can't be served at the height of summer because the potatoes are too sweet for it to work (its a chemical thing apparently. Heston is good at the molecular stuff so we will just have to trust him on that one). Nonetheless I did feel a bit cheated out of my big fat chips despite the scientific reasoning. Annoyingly however, in referring back to their website to write this up I see they are back on the menu only a few days later. Hey ho, just means I have to go back I s'pose.

The oxtail and kidney pudding did look fabulous with the filling all glossy and soft encased in a lardy rich pastry. H adored it. I temporarily forgot that I really hate kidney which unfortunately I still do even after tasting it. If offal is your kind of thing though then the pudding comes highly recommended. 

Sides of green beans with shallot and coriander carrots were both tasty and naughtily buttery but you don't exactly come here expecting a waistline friendly meal.

Sitting in the Tudor surroundings and shovelling down the meaty dishes gives you a little bit of a feeling of what it must have been like to be Henry the VIIIth (less the murdered wives of course).

Cherry bakewell with yoghurt ice cream was light and crumbly with a lovely frangipane filling (the cherries were a particular triumph and not a million miles away from the gorgeous Luxardo Italian maraschinos) 

Chocolate wine slush with millionaire's shortbread was perhaps the most atypical dessert on the list. Two waitresses made clear that the two are best eaten together which proved to be true; the slush was not particularly inspiring or remarkable 

Lemon scented quaking pudding was not what I was expecting at all. The general consensus of people that I asked seemed to think it was a lemony flavoured pannacotta style dish which was accurate except for the fairly significant fact that its a hot dessert. Very hot. I liked it (especially playing with it making it wobble) but A & H were not sold at all. The sorbet was quite clearly frozen (a prerequisite for sorbet one would imagine) and had a very very tart flavour. I held my tongue until H had tried it but we both agreed the pervading flavour was one of cleaning product such as Vim or Flash. That makes it sound horrid which isn't my intention but it probably wasn't the best lemon sorbet I have ever tasted. There is an argument with various of these "forgotten recipes" that they may have died out for a reason. I'm sure noone in Tudor times turned round and announced a fatwa on warm blancmanges (if fatwas indeed existed) so perhaps, just maybe, people realised it wasn't so great and chose not to make it any more. 

Triple Rum Old Fashioned

We retired to the bar for a small post prandial, in my case making a bee line for the Triple Rum Old Fashioned. Consisting of three rums (spiced, white and Skipper demerera rums) it also promised theatrics in the form of "raisin scented rum smoke". Theatrical it was indeed served in a brandy glass with the raisin syrup dry ice smoke being poured at the table and inhaled (small tip, don't inhale too quickly it makes you look like a reverse dragon).  Much sweeter than a standard Old Fashioned, it was nonetheless very smooth indeed. At this point, however, the 'small post prandial' plan fell into disarray. 

Rum Punch

We had keen plans to return to London and find a good cocktail bar in which to languish until the early hours but at the risk of sounding lazy (ok, so we were lazy) we knew that once we had sat through the 45 minute train back we would have lost the edge and would probably slope home to the first episode of X Factor and a snooze. A decision was therefore taken to stay in the bar area and gradually work our way through the cocktail menu. 

The stand outs from the list were the Rum Punch which had a beautiful caramel buttery flavour to it and the grapefruit tea.

Chocolate Espresso Martini

The Chocolate Espresso Martini was good but perhaps little different from those served elsewhere. Combining sweet with the bitter edge of the freshly brewed coffee it fulfilled its purpose of giving me a second wind to carry on with the cocktail quest.

Nearing the end of the cocktail list (but in that obstinate slightly irrational mindset that it makes no sense to quit now when we are so close) we ordered the final four on the list; a Viola, a Manhattan, a Martini and a Pineapple champagne thing. 

The Martini (named '1891' after the year that the recipe was apparently written down) was a stonker. Made with crazily potent Plymouth Navy Gin - at 53% proof- it was enough to blow your socks off. The Grand Marnier and orange bitters flavour was so subtle as to be absent but that may well be because my taste buds had, by this point, been burnt away. 

1891 Dry Martini

The Viola was the one that noone had felt very inspired by but it turned out to be one the triumphs. A blend of cachaca, grenadine, lemon, egg yolk, lime, orange juice, and mint; it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven but it fell the perfect side of too sweet or too sour with a silky texture.

Viola

At this point the kitchen had reopened so it seemed churlish not to order a couple more scotch eggs and some devils on horseback for the road. 

Somewhere half way through the cocktail marathon Anna Friel and Rhys Ifans turned up providing Bray's celebrity spot of the day. Even the staff seemed quite excited at that one. 

At 7pm we finally threw the towel in and got a cab back to Windsor station. Boring but practical tip -  if you are coming from Windsor get the restaurant to book a cab to pick you up in advance, Surprisingly its cheaper than the rank outside the station and much better cars and drivers. One boozy train back to London, an accidental cheese purchase on the way home then snoring in front of Xfactor by 9pm. Excellent. 

Let's end on a gratuitous oozing yolk scotch egg photo shall we? Tummy rumbling?

Will I go back? I very much hope so.
8/10

The Hind's Head
High St, Bray, West Berkshire SL6 2AB
01628 626151

Nancy Lam's Enak Enak, Battersea

Back in the mists of the 1990s, in the days when TV cookery shows were not as prolific in their abundance as they are now, when Ready, Steady, Cook was new and Loyd Grossman confused us all with his Masterchef transatlantic drawl, Nancy Lam exploded onto our screens as the larger than life and eccentric Indonesian chef. 

Her restaurant 'Enak Enak' (or "Yum Yum")  actually came before Nancy's tv career rather than being a spin off from it and underlines the reasons that she was plucked from obscurity to become a tv chef to begin with; it is all founded on excellent cooking skills and genuine passion for food. In its current location since 1988 it is at the slightier less gentrified end of Lavender Hill, it involves a bus or a 10 minute walk from Clapham Junction or from Battersea Park/ Queenstown Road but its worth a trip I promise....

Entering at 7.30 on a Tuesday night, the restaurant was eerily empty as in completely empty. Settling in with a beer and some prawn crackers with a home made dip I was treated to a soundtrack of unmistakeably nineties tunes with a smattering of eighties for good measure but nothing that has seen the charts this side of the millennium. The decor is similarly stuck in time with wicker chairs and vases of dried things. That said I see from her Twitter account that the restaurant is being decorated this week. There is a massive portrait of Nancy brightening up the walls and on the opposite side a plethora of photos of the various guests on her tv show and celebrities who have visited over the years, some yellowing a little but nonetheless quite endearing. I know that makes me a complete hypocrite since I criticised it only a few weeks ago about Mango Tree but here it just added to the family feel of the restaurant. The other thing that added to this sentiment was the number of regulars who appeared over the course of the evening who were all greeted warmly and who made a point of talking to us and telling us which dishes they love and how long they have been coming. Nancy's family must be doing something right to engender this level of enthusiasm. I hear that the photos also aren't just from one off visits. Apparently a trip to Nancy's is a must for the England cricket team when they are down the road at the Oval. 

The menu is a blend of various Asian specialities, something I'm usually quite hesitant of (after all if a restaurant claimed to specialise in "French, Spanish and Italian" cuisine this would seem very odd so why any different for Thai/Chinese/Indonesian etc?) As Nancy is known for Indonesian food I tried to steer more in that direction.

P found the menu a little limiting for a vegetarian so I think its fair to say that meat is what Nancy does best. I wanted to get a decent overview of the starters so went for the mixed satay. Consisting of chicken satay, spare ribs, barbecue prawns and achar-achar (indonesian pickles), I can honestly say that every element was utterly delicious. Described as "marinated pork ribs cooked over charcoal with sweet and spicy chilli sauce", I had been worried whether the sweet chilli sauce would be that of the ubqiuitous orange bottled variety and in many other locations that would have been a valid concern but not here. Slipping off the bone, they were tender but moist and the tangy sauce complemented the rich smoky meat rather than smothering it. The chicken was vying with the pork in the tenderness stakes and the peanut sauce "from scratch" was rich and gloopy with a little Malaysian tang. The prawns had springy, sweet flesh without having gone tough on the charcoal which is a tricky business as those little suckers must take no time at all to cook. The pickles were a great contrast to the meat and rich sauces.

The best bit of all though was the beef rendang. I always forget that a proper rendang should not have a great deal of sauce having cooked down over hours. Aromatic cinnamon and cardamom push through whilst competing with all the other Asian spices and the beef is just fall-aparty on your fork (yes 'full-aparty' is a word...) Spicy without sending me over my chilli limit is was beyond delicious. I think it is worth sticking to Nancy's specialities since whilst the vegetableThai green curry was nice, it wasn't blow me away nice and probably needed a little more spice.

Upon first sight the portions can seem rather small, that said I did leave very full  and couldn't manage dessert which was a shame as there were things that looked nice.

Nancy's seemingly long suffering but genial Ghanaian husband Ben was running the kitchen on the night that we visited. I say long suffering because he was roundly berated for coming to talk to one of the regulars and duly sent back down to the kitchen. Nancy's daughter works as a waitress and behind the bar so it is a truly family business. I can't write up my meal without a paragraph devoted to Nancy herself. There all sorts of cliches littering the internet; "force of nature" seems to be a consensus and she is very in your face. I can imagine if tourists wandered by they may get a bit of a surprise (unlikely given the location) but if her reputation precedes her then the very loud, chirpy borderline abrupt service is endearing. That said I can't imagine what would happen if anyone complained about a dish!

The wine list is quite limited and not the most exciting (but as a rule I tend to find this to be the case in many Asian restaurants. I stuck to Singha beer but P ordered the house sauvignon blanc which turned out to be a really pleasant surprise. Not too dry, it was fruity and complemented the dishes better than I would have thought possible. The cocktail list is worth a mention. We reeeally are going back in time here and I was tempted to order just to see if it came with a sparkler and an umbrella. With names like "Luscious Luke" and "Gorgeous Gregory", they are tropical in content and quite sweet sounding. For example the "Passionate Paulo" consists of "a seductively sweet tart fragrance that oozes passion fruit".

Although there is a certain air of wistful nostalgia around the restaurant and the tv cameras may have gone away, what is left is a lovely family run, neighbourhood restaurant with a warm welcome and some excellent food with some clearly very dedicated and effusive regulars. Oh and just to top off the 80's/90's theme the bill came with After Eights, excellent stuff!

6.5/10

Nancy Lam's Enak Enak
56 Lavender Hill, Battersea, London. SW11 5RQ
0207 9243148

Can you Trade Mark a Dish? Or When Can You Not Call a Pho a Pho or a Dirty Burger a Dirty Burger?

The two major elements of my life seem to be fusing rather publicly on Twitter at the moment. When I’m not wittering on about food and drink here on my blog I spend my days earning a crust as a trade mark lawyer*. There have been a few instances over the last few months of companies applying to register trade marks for things that a lot of us would assume are rather descriptive so I thought it might be an idea to clear up some of the misconceptions about what you can and can’t do in relation to IP and food.

The most recent incident involves Pho Holdings Limited who started their restaurant branded as “Pho” in Clerkenwell in 2005. They appear to have contacted “Mo Pho” who are based in South East London with a legal threat based on trade mark infringement and passing off. Apparently they are demanding that Mo Pho change their name which I think is a big old shame as a) Mo Pho’s name is a really cool play on words and b) I think that Pho’s name is rather boring; its like calling a Dim Sum restaurant “Dumpling” or “Har Gau”. On the face of it “pho” is a dish that all us foodies (and any Vietnamese) know and love as a classic, iconic dish of Vietnam so why or how could someone acquire a monopoly right to prevent others from using the name?  In fact there are essentially two questions to be answered here 1) Are Mo Pho infringing Pho’s trade mark? and 2) Should Pho’s trade mark even be registered at all?

At its most basic you can’t register a trade mark which is either a) descriptive or b) non distinctive.  This is what has got people hopping up and down about the Pho case. “Pho” feels descriptive. Also where would this end? Will Pho be chasing down every London restaurant that dares to have "pho" on its menu? The system is designed to prevent this. 

Pho Holdings Limited appear to be claiming on Twitter that they aren’t actually claiming a monopoly over the dish name but to the right to use the name for restaurant services. When you file a trade mark application you have to choose from a list of goods and services to which your trade mark will apply. For example class 29 is meat and processed foods, class 33 wines and spirits whereas class 43 is for restaurant services.  From a quick check of the trade mark register, Pho Holdings Ltd have registrations in the UK and EU for a whole host of classes some of which actually include food (thereby arguably covering the dish itself) They even have a registration for "Phocafe" which covers "noodle dishes".  Naughty, naughty!

Is this similar to Mo Pho?

One way of getting a difficult trade mark registered is to include a logo (making it more distinctive) and this is what Pho seem to have done. They  have a variety of registrations for the logo mark (see above). They only have one word mark for "Pho" but its arguable you could challenge this as a) not having been used in a trade mark sense (a cursory glance indicates they only seem to use the logo mark on their website and use "pho" generically on the menu) and b) descriptive (see below re cancellation). This means the legal comparison could potentially be between the entirety of each mark i.e. “MO PHO” versus the "logo+Pho".   Even more different now eh?!

To decide whether something is an infringement you need to compare the marks and if it can be shown that either a similar or identical mark is being used for similar or identical goods then, in essence this could be the grounds for an infringement claim. One defence to infringement is to show that the claiming mark should never have been registered at all and if not then to file a cancellation action. If I was Mo Pho this is the route that I would be exploring with some specialist lawyers right about now. The challenge will be to show that “pho” was recognisable to consumers at the time of filing (2005) in a wide area (i.e. not just London or even a Vietnamese populated part of London).

Mo Pho have also apparently been accused of “passing off”. Passing off occurs when someone (in this case Pho Holdings) have good will and reputation in a brand which they can show has been misrepresented by a third party (in this case Mo Pho) and is in danger of leading to damage to their brand. Or in essence, would consumers be likely to be confused into thinking that Mo Pho is in some way linked to Pho and as such, money is spent at Mo Pho which would have been spent at Pho?  It is very hard to prove in the UK (and expensive) so let’s hope Pho have got their cheque books ready and that Mo Pho get the support they deserve to fight this.

On this I wish Mo Pho all the luck in the world as I would like to see them able to continue trading under their current fab and imaginative name. That said, let the Twitter storm and the PR continue – the case deserves it!

Other Examples

Soho House Group have applied for a whole host of trade marks in the past year including “Duck Shop”, “Meat Shop”, “Fish Shop” and “Steak Shop” covering (amongst other related services) “Services for providing food and drink” all of which have successfully reached registration.

They have also registered “Dirty Burger”, which I’ve used for years to describe a multitude of burgers (especially ones outside football grounds), meaning that the next time you’ve had a skin full and say to a mate “I could murder a dirty burger” you should in theory say “I could murder a Soho House Dirty Burger™”

I’d be interested to hear if there are any other examples out there. Okay so taking the work hat off now, boring law lecture over and back to the usual antics of eating and drinking. Cheers!

UPDATE: After an afternoon of Twitter doing what it does best at a frenetic pace, Pho Holdings posted the following tweets this evening:

I'm glad that what could have been a nasty protracted legal battle for all parties has been resolved without the need for litigation. Hard as it is to believe, lots of lawyers don't like litigation and do what we do to try and avoid it!

*Important disclaimer: none of this is legal advice, its my own personal thoughts from a decade of experience. If you’re in any doubt or have got yourself in a pickle then consult a paid lawyer.  You can also find lots of useful IP advice at the UK government Intellectual Property Office website www.ipo.gov.uk  They also have a helpline which, although they can’t give legal advice is nonetheless very helpful!

Gentleman's Afternoon Tea at Sanctum Soho

The Sanctum Hotel is billed as an "opulent 30 room boutique hotel" located just off Regent Street. Although flashy, it isn't really opulent, its all fur coat and no knickers. It trades on a theme of rock star glamour and glitz but in reality is a little more Footballer's wives.  "Faux" is a horrible Gallicism designed to soften the damnation of something being just "fake" but it applies aptly to pretty much everything about The Sanctum. Banquettes are upholstered in a garish gold plush pleather and chairs are the type of burgundy high shine mock croc only previously seen on a hooker's boots in Pretty Woman. If I were to encapsulate the decor in one phrase it would probably be "Vegas wipe clean".

The walls are adorned with every permutation of modern skull art possible from neon light installations to spray painted graffiti numbers, apparently an exhibition of Dan Gold artworks. Each item has a sizeable "For sale" sign and price glued to the wall, in fact in one case the price tag was rather more tenacious than the artwork itself which is absent. The overall impression is one of overpriced stag do.  We were the only poor souls in the restaurant on a rainy Sunday afternoon making the atmosphere even more depressing.

There is something that gets my hackles up about the idea of "Gentleman's afternoon tea". Its all a bit Yorkie "not for girls" isn't it? This sentiment is reinforced by the fact the the laydeeeez alternative is the "High Tea for High Heels". That said the prospect of sliders and beef Yorkshire puddings appeals to me much more than "mini parmesan crusted fish pie" so any mild feminist indignation is cast aside. I had heard good things about the Gentleman's Afternoon Tea and found a deal online for two people for £75 instead of £50 each. This seemed pricey still but as it included a whisky and a cigar I thought that to be the reason for the uplift beyond the London £35-40 average price tag. What follows is unfortunately a description of the worst afternoon tea I have ever been served at an arrogantly inflated price.

Tea and coffee is "unlimited" but considering the tea options are all bags made by Twinings this really ought to go without saying. My green tea was an accurate representation of Twinings green tea as was the English Breakfast tea.  That's the best I can say about it. 

My main complaint with the menu at Sanctum was that various bits of it sounded fantastic in theory but in reality didn't ressemble their description in the slightest. For example "seared steak with mushrooms and peppers on sourdough" was actually a slice of cold, wet roast beef on stale wholemeal sliced bread. Yes, you could argue I'm being picky, after all its still a beef sandwich but don't describe it to sound better than it really is (especially if you're going to reuse the same sliced beef later on as something else).

The oysters themselves were not bad but the "bloody mary" sauce on them was extremely spicy.

The smoked salmon, watercress and caviar bagel was a good size but the bagel was a bit too doughy and heavy rendering it rather chewy. Although the salmon was well smoked it was just laid in a bare bagel with a sprig of watercress plonked on top. I see from the "girls"  option that their menu has a lemon creme fraiche, smoked salmon bagel; the simple addition of some creme fraiche may well have improved the version that I received immeasurably.

The second platter most closely resembled something you would expect to see in your local Slug & Lettuce as a bargain basement happy hour platter to line those rosé swilling stomachs. The Yorkshire puddings were a dry splodge of batter with a small roll of roast beef inside with the stingiest topping of horseradish I have ever seen (we asked for an extra portion of sauce). Incidentally the beef was the same stuff served as "seared steak" during the first course. The mini slider burgers were ok flavourwise but completely overcooked and the bun wasn't the freshest. I understand that the restaurant doesn't usually open on a Sunday for dining and is only there for afternoon tea so if I was being generous I might surmise that the "usual" chef isn't working on a Sunday. As you can see from the photo its all rather beige.....

The lamb and potato hotpot was as close to a 'highlight' of the experience as you could get in that it was okay. It had a decent cheesy mashed potato topping and well seasoned pink lamb filling. This made it more of a shepherd's pie than a hotpot and it could have done with a little more gravy but it wasn't bad. 

The "rabbit, pancetta and leek pasty" was dry and stringy at best, and utterly bereft of any sign of pancetta whatsoever in either one and, frankly,  if that was rabbit then you can call me Flopsy and knock me down with a cotton tail. 

Dessert was an inedible abomination. Billed as "Twice baked chocolate fudge cake with Jack Daniels ice cream" it was actually half of a dried out nut brownie on a completely unnecessary squirt of raspberry sauce accompanied by something purporting to be ice cream. Actually inedible. To add insult to injury it was the half of the brownie that had been cooked at the edge of the pan on two sides leading to extra dry crumbliness. The ice cream had essentially had too much alcohol put in it therefore destining it for an inevitable doom of failing to freeze. The cream had completely split resulting in texturally horrible splurges of grease. I really cannot describe eloquently enough quite how vile it was.

We left it virtually untouched and sprang onto the whisky element of the menu -after all you can surely not go wrong pouring a whisky (either standard JD, a honey version or the Gentleman's Jack were on offer- although not in a 'tankard' as billed). The honeyed option was really good and reminded me of the basis of an Old Fashioned. The cigars were pocketed for another time and we paid up and scarpered.

They say that every cloud has a silver lining and in the case of the Sanctum this was most definitely the service. Our waitress was a ray of sunshine and did her best to make our experience pleasant despite the slurry of dross being ejected from the kitchen hatch. She showed an interest in what we were doing later in the day and loved to talk about food, drink and her home region. I have no idea what Sanctum's policy is on division of service charge but you can't hold front of house staff responsible for bad cooking so I only hope that the  12.5% goes directly and entirely to her and is not swallowed into the pockets of a greedy hotelier because she deserves it and they don't. She was upset to hear that we hadn't enjoyed our experience (I don't believe in pretending everything was okay then slating it online later so I was up front about it) and said she would pass on the feedback to the hotel and they would likely be in touch. I'm unsurprised to say that a week later I haven't heard a thing. 

When you think that tea at somewhere that really understands the meaning of the word 'opulent' like The Lanesborough or the Goring is around the same price overall when you include a glass of champagne then the Sanctum is little short of a disgrace and I have no compunction about saying so.

We left still feeling hungry and popped round the corner to Yauatcha to top up on a couple of dishes of dim sum. The cocktails there are still fantastic and the food great too so maybe go there instead, or anywhere else actually, just not Sanctum. 

1/5 (for the service)

Afternoon Tea at Sanctum Hotel, Soho
Warwick Street, London
0207 2926100
 

Bistro Union, Clapham

I love Adam Byatt's first restaurant, Trinity, nestled away in Clapham's Old Town. Good honest produce, cooked well. Bistro Union was his much heralded second opening on Clapham's Abbeville Road just a stone's throw away from Trinity. I knew we weren't looking at fine dining but other than that didn't know what to expect. What I got was a warm and welcoming neighbourhood bistro with plenty of options whatever the size of your wallet or appetite.  It wasn't all plain sailing though....

A drinks list offers a decent selection of both wine and cocktails and something I've never seen before, what are essentially mini cocktails as a pre prandial snifter. I had a gin based confection for only around £3.

A brown paper roll announces the day's bar snacks and either offers something to nibble on or a selection of cheap starters depending on how you look at it. Pork crackling with apple sauce sounded like the perfect accompaniment to some menu perusal. The uniform sticks of crackling were very pretty and the apple sauce tangy and not over sweet but the crackling didn't seem super fresh meaning that, rather than being crunchy hard, they had softened off slightly into both chewy and hard. Every bite felt rather like I was tightrope walking a precipice into potential dental disaster unfortunately and this may have been the first time that I didn't finish a pork product.

A carafe of wine was plonked in front of us unceremoniously and we were left to sample and pour our own.  However after trying to pour it myself I can see why the server didn't want to pour it for us. The carafes are clearly designed by the same mischievous person who designed those metal cafe teapots that resolutely refuse to pour liquid into a cup but result in more of it ending up on your hands and the tablecloth. 

The house red wasn't bad and works fine as a "gulper" to accompany a basic dinner. 

Service was a little haphazard with wrong dishes appearing and disappearing at frequent intervals. Some of the staff were super friendly whilst one was clearly having a bad day with his own personal rain cloud

Mushroom, wild garlic and fennel tart came from the small bites menu which are kept on the bar counter. It was very tasty although I couldn't identify fennel amongst the flavours. If tasted blindfolded I would have thought it just creamy mushroom and garlic. 

Mac n cheese was good and worth going back for especially for a vegetarian. Properly nice and gloopy with thoughtful vegetable additions  which might annoy a macaroni purist but turned it successfully from a side dish into a veggie main course.

Bavette was cooked medium rare (I had been warned that it would be too chewy rare) and to be honest it was still overly chewy and half of it stayed on the board. Chips were very good  but please, for the love of god, stop using those infernal mini ketchup bottles! On one hand you have to shake it like an imbecile to get anything out and even then half of it stays in the bottle to be eternally unreachable even when you root around in there with your knife. They must be an absolute bugger to clean and they waste so much sauce. I pity the poor sod that has to fill them each day. The mushroom ketchup that was served with the steak (in one of the annoying bottles) was not very mushroomy and had more of an anchovy taste to it and, well, just wasn't very nice really. If you want to make mushroom ketchup take a leaf out of Heston's book I reckon.

Chocolate and coconut flapjack was a little on the tough and dry side resulting in yet another sore tooth moment. The ice creams and sorbets though are definitely worthwhile and a great little sweet ending to my carnivore meal (I don't know what it is but when I'm dining with a vegetarian I always seem to inadvertently order the most bloodthirsty options possible oops.)

Although it was, overall, a pleasant evening and supper, I was left wondering whether some kind of deal had been done with the dentists down the road to cause maximum risk of tooth based troubles after dining. Between the crackling, the steak and the flapjack I did begin to sense a conspiracy.... Considering the pedigree of head chef Karl Goward (Soho House New York, St John Bread & Wine) I might have expected more consistency in all honesty. 

Would I go back? Yes, if I was meeting friends locally and wanted a bottle of wine with a really good selection of bar snacks, then I would. The menu is extremely good value, especially the bar snacks.  It is very much a neighbourhood restaurant but probably not worth travelling the length or breadth of London for (whereas Trinity very much is).

Bistro Union
40 Abbeville Rd, London SW4 9NG
020 7042 6400

Afternoon Tea at the Sanderson

I seem to have acquired a bit of an afternoon tea habit in recent months. Served late enough in the day to pop open something fizzy, it always feels like something of a celebration. I somehow try and justify that filling myself with a plethora of pastries and sandwiches is a good thing on the basis that a) tea can replace lunch and dinner thereby meaning you eat one less meal making it "healthy" and b) all the components are bite size small (although I'm sure that it would be frightening to see them all in a big heap). I am also supremely confident that this is a false economy. 

I'm not the only one that has jumped willingly onto this cake laden band wagon. There are now whole websites devoted to identifying the best afternoon teas. Some years ago it seemed to be only tourists who came to London with "afternoon tea" on your tick list of things to do.  Now even long time Londoners are regularly to be found gossiping away over a pot of lapsang souchong and a plate of scones. 

Some  London eateries are going out of their way to find methods (I was going to say gimmicks but that might be unkind) of marking themselves out from the competition.  The Berkeley has the "Pret a Portea", BRGR Soho is currently marketing a "burger afternoon tea" and the Sanctum Soho hotel is doing a men's afternoon tea replete with mini burgers and JD and they are just the tip of the iceberg.

The Sanderson has gone down the route of an Alice in Wonderland "Mad Hatters" theme. Their website has a bizarre warning that fancy dress will not be tolerated which gave me fantastic mental images of someone taking theme a bit too literally and turning up late dressed as a giant rabbit. 

On arrival I wandered through the bustling main restaurant area, hoping my table was not one of the indoor high ones with stools (who wants to eat afternoon tea perched atop a bar stool?) until I found P lounging in the corner of the garden. Phew. 

The Japanese garden once the crowds had cleared

Perhaps it didn't help that I had a colossal hangover, but I expect an afternoon tea to be a soothing, calming experience. What should be a haven of outdoor tranquility (especially as its called the "Japanese Garden") is spoilt partly due to the sheer number of tables they have crammed out there each with a two hour turnover- don't even think of trying to have a private conversation-  and secondly due to an excessively noisy water feature. I feel a bit like "Outraged of Tunbridge Wells" even using the phrase "excessively noisy water feature" but its actually really annoying. It took four, yes FOUR, attempts at ordering a Diet Coke before the waiter could hear me and he blamed the water feature. Yep, sure it looks pretty but can't it be pretty a bit more quietly? (doesn't that apply to so many things/people in life?)

A silver tray of four crystal bottles introduces the four specialist teas including mint chocolate (chocolate tea? Hmmmm), strawberry, rhubarb and custard and  apple pie. They all smelt either sickly sweet or rather overly perfumed to me (and one actively looked like pot pourri) so I opted for a standard green tea which arrived in a suitably themed teapot. 

So onto the actual food (when it finally arrived that is, well over 30 minutes into our 2 hour "slot"). 

The carrot meringues in a pot of pea shoots make a visually stunning topper to the tea carousel but, again, had no real flavour and had gone very slightly mushy. 

The highlight for me was a delicate dark chocolate cup filled with a white chocolate matcha mousse topped with a pink chocolate daisy. Totally OTT clearly and very much on the sweet side but very delicious. A victoria sponge clock was also a tasty play on the classic and deserving of its place on the tea stand.

The real let down of the outing, however, were the savouries. I know that in the original book Lewis Carroll described sandwiches that were rolled "like hedgehogs" but the fact is that unless the bread is super fresh sandwiches aren't made for rolling. In this case they were crumbling apart and seemed slightly stale. I appreciate that when you're serving what must have been topping in excess of 200 covers every 2 hours you can't make a fresh batch for each table but if you can't do them well, don't do them at all.  The fillings were the standards with a twist; ham and mustard on tomato bread, smoked salmon and lemon butter on rye bread, egg mayonnaise on a slight funny sweet tasting bread (the menu claimed it to be egg and smoked sea salt on lemon bread) and a cream cheese and cucumber roll on spinach bread. 

The savoury scone was a high point with a dense flaky crumb served with herb butter. Most disappointing of all, perhaps, was the chocolate scone. It didn't look like a scone for starters. Scones are supposed to rise. They are supposed to have a gentle outer crust that breaks to reveal a soft, warm inner just crying out for clotted cream and jam. These were rock cakes. They should have been embarrassed to serve them in all honesty.

Talking of being embarrassed to serve something, this brings me finally onto the cheese and tomato quiche. I genuinely would not have served these misshapen objects to any guest in my home and I'm no professional. A heavy, clumsy blob of solid shortcrust pastry contained a tiny teaspoon of under seasoned eggy cheese mix topped with a shrivelled cherry tomato quarter (too shrivelled to be fresh and not shrivelled enough to be sun-dried; just ugly!)

The experience ends with what is optimistically titled "jelly wonderland" which turns out to be a table that you can go and serve yourself from buffet style of various flavoured jellies. I was too full to be bothered especially after P had reliably informed me that a) it was hard to determine what flavour each one was supposed to be and b) they were all horrible. 

Price wise, at £35 (without champagne) its on a par with some of the other big hitters but the quality was not there for me both in terms of food and service. Despite the extremely patchy service there is 15% service whacked on top though which almost brings it into line with the total cost at the Ritz and I know where I'd rather be. It was a fun afternoon and a good girly activity - maybe as a break from shopping on Oxford Street, perhaps ideal for a hen party as you wouldn't be making too much noise. I think I will carry on my quest for the perfect afternoon tea for now though as I didn't find it here. 

Mad Hatter's Tea Party @ The Sanderson
50, Berners Street, London W1T 3NG. 
(0207) 3001400