Thai on the River, Battersea

Location, location, location.  Its a catchphrase that has spoken only the truth since way before Kirsty and Phil got their hands on it and one that applies in spades to Thai on the River. Despite London being split in two by the long winding Thames there are comparatively few good places to eat overlooking the river compared to the length of water. Sure The Ship is lovely at Wandsworth Bridge as is The Gun over at the Eastern end and there are plenty of other gastro type pubs but they get understandably rammed the moment that we have a glimpse of sun by drinkers. So where to go that might not be so well known?

Located overlooking the Thames, Thai on the River has a fabulous view of the river with access from both the river path and also the main road to the rear. There are few things in London that can make a person quite as happy as a beer on a warm evening by the side of the river.  I think this is, unfortunately,  possibly the only reason that TOTR limps on as a going concern though (that and their takeaway service).  I tend to end up visiting once every couple of years and have never seen it any more than a quarter full despite pretty decent food and the river view. 

On the downside, the restaurant is located very close to Battersea heliport so any chance at conversation is intermittently drowned out by the landing of a nearby aircraft.  If you aren't approaching from the riverside then it is also a bit of a toad to get to which can't help dining numbers. The 170 bus from Clapham Junction will take you there but other than that its a good 15 minute walk from nearest overland station and 10 minutes to the nearest main road for other buses. 

The wine list is really very limited and unimaginative whilst also not necessarily selected to match Thai food (for example there are no Riesling or Gewurztraminer wines on show). There is, however, the only Thai wine ever to have gained wider repute (or notoriety depending on your thoughts on it) in the form of Monsoon Valley. That said, a glass of house champagne is £7 and a Singha beer £3.50 so its not like you're stuck for reasonably priced options. 

The menu offers little beyond standard thai fare so I wouldn't come here thinking you're going to find anything remotely innovative or groundbreaking. P opted for corncakes to start with sweet chilli dip. To say that they weren't fabulous is a little bit of an understatement, the batter mix outweighed the corn content and wasn't cooked through so there was quite a gungy, doughy texture that clogged up your teeth. The non-veggie fish cake version was far superior with a spicy chilli blast, that sort of spongy springy fish filling that only Thai fish cakes have and a good deep golden colour.

The chicken massaman was a total triumph. I have eaten a few too many watery, over spiced slops claiming to be a massaman recently so was overjoyed when this one had the thick creamy consistency it ought to with a fantastic depth of flavour.  The coconut was prevalent but didn't drown out the more subtle cardamom and cinnamon notes. It also had a gentle growing warmth rather than an eye watering blast of spice.  Ultimately, I think that I prefer a beef or lamb massaman where the super slow cooking has broken down the meat to "fall apart on your fork" consistency of the type that you find at the Blue Elephant however the chicken was succulent and plentiful. Jobs a good'un.  

P liked her veggie red curry and had nothing but praise for it although I thought it a little insipid and not quite as spicy as I would have expected. 

No complaints from the coconut rice however the sticky rice took the word "sticky" to new heights. Glued in a giant dollop into the little basket it arrived it, it took effort worthy of a Crystal Maze game to prise it out and split a chunk off to eat. 

Sadly, as with many Thai restaurants, desserts are nothing to write home about so we gave it a miss.

Mains are between £8-12 so we aren't talking crazy prices and there is a 10% discount if you book in advance online. There is a very varied £20 set menu for two people plus and there is also an unlimited Sunday buffet for £16 a head which sounds as though it could be excellent value. 

I feel a little sorry for Thai on the River. It has been in situ for decades as a good local Thai with a solid local customer base. Suddenly along comes Blue Elephant moving into a location only a few hundred yards down the road and TOTR becomes the shabbier little brother. I hope that it can cling on. 

Would I go back? Yes but only to sit on the terrace on a balmy, summer's evening and nibble away. If its just for Thai food and its not a sunny warm day then are probably better places to visit. 

Thai on the River
2 Lombard Rd  Battersea, SW11 3RQ
020 7924 6090

The Ivy

The uncharacteristic heatwave of the last few weeks has made us forget the wash out weeks of June when we all thought a sunny day would remain ever elusive.  On a June Friday night pre-theatre visit to the Ivy, as I shook off my umbrella having been splashed by a passing taxi, comfort food was close to my mind. Comfort food is something that the Ivy undoubtedly does extremely well. Once past various paparazzi images of celebs falling out of or into cabs, a Google search of "The Ivy" would be guaranteed to bring up more references to cosy options like sausages and mash, shepherds pies and berries with white chocolate sauce more frequently than any other dishes. 

I think that certain myths abound about the present day Ivy, none of which have ever been my experience:

1) Its really hard to get a table

2) Service is snooty

3) Its really expensive

True enough, I'm not suggesting that you can just walk in without a booking but if you know when you want to eat and ring up a couple of weeks in advance for prime time then I've never struggled. On more than one occasion I have called for same day pre-theatre tables and succeeded. Equally, it is isn't cheap but, whereas it was very expensive in the uber-fashionable heydays of the late nineties and early noughties, prices haven't gone up much in the last few years. Many mains are between £15-£27 which is the going rate in many a half decent West End location these days. As for the service, I've always found it to be smiley, efficient and effective. 

Now that the bulk of the celebrity throng has drifted on to pastures new many of the regulars at the Ivy are, (how to put it politely?) getting on a little in the tooth- perhaps explaining the preponderance of comfort food. That said, there is always a buzzy atmosphere, even at 5.30pm when the pre theatre crowd are in full swing. The menu also offers a wide variety of options and regularly changes with only a few stalwarts keeping their place on the list. If you want to go with grilled fish and salad, hold the dressing then that's absolutely possible (you'd be an idiot to but if you're that type then you're probably not reading this blog to begin with...)

Summer was in evidence only in that beautiful English asparagus can be found featuring on London menus. There can be few things more lovely than the simple delight of the first crop of English asparagus dipped into fresh hollandaise sauce. The Ivy offers a starter portion for £12 which seemed a little steep for a vegetable starter but it was pretty huge,  we shared it between 3 as an ample light starter and used the spears to mop up every last drop of smooth hollandaise. Properly delicious. 


Despite several people having recommended the shepherd's pie to me, I've not yet selected it as my own option (i'm not the world's biggest lamb mince fan)  but definitely will on my next visit. The gravy is exceptionally rich with a surprising depth of flavour (dare I mention that overused term 'umami'? No thought not...) Topped with fluffy, buttery potato peaks just crisped off to a golden brown. Its also enormous, I'd challenge anyone to order it and leave hungry.  One thing that does up the cost a bit at the Ivy is the fact you do really need to order sides of vegetables, as you can see from the Shepherd's pie, without a side order its just meat.


The wine list has some pretty heavy hitters with suitably stratospheric price tags to match as you would expect with some of The Ivy's clientele; £450 for an '88 Ch Palmer or £195 for a '94 Leoville Barton. That said, there are options under £30 and I went for a Montellori chianti at £35. Light enough not to smash through the subtlety of the veal but strong enough to stand up to the shepherd's pie. Job done. 

A caveman sized veal chop sourced from Southern Ireland was a beautiful rose colour and as tender as can be. A rich sticky jus was accompanied by broad beans and watercress. I'm a recent convert to veal. I'm ashamed to say that historically I had few cares about where my food came from with the sole exception of veal. The idea of the palest white meat on an Austrian schnitzel plate meaning that the little calf may not have seen the light of day was pretty horrid so for years veal was verboten. I'm even more ashamed to say that it was Janet Street Porter that converted me. Seeing her explain on tv that actually lots of British bull calves were being slaughtered because noone wanted their meat seemed like even more of a waste so I started eating it again and boy am I glad I did. A good British or Irish rose veal is a delicious thing. 


Crackling pork belly with parsley mash and honey carrots was another success eliciting oohs and ahhs from every slippery, glistening mouthful.  I can also vouch from previous visits that the sausages and mash with onion gravy would take some beating. None of this stuff is in any way healthy, the mash is more butter than it is potato but by god, its good. 

Hot chocolate souffle with mint ice cream was essentially like a chocolate fondant served in a ramekin rather than what you would traditionally think of as a souffle but no complaints coming from me.  It was, completely, utterly, irrefutably divine. I even cast aside my weird aversion to combining hot and cold things as the mint ice cream was plunged down into the oozy fondant centre. 


A lot of people think that my Dad is fussy (some say that I might have inherited it.....) but I know he's not really. All he wants is simple food made from good quality ingredients, prepared well. He's not alone in that I suspect but its amazing how often places manage to get it wrong. If any restaurant gives him an excellent but simple steak and chips followed by apple pie he will be loyal forever. Apple pie is a rarely seen item on many menus these days though. I tend to involuntarily hold my breath when my Dad gets to the dessert menu as its so often all about deconstructed lemon meringue pies with crumbs of meringue on the side or jellied blobs of weird savoury stuff mixed in with a dash of fruit puree. But a simple apple pie is a wondrous thing so it was with a sigh of relief that I saw it on the Ivy dessert list. It didn't disappoint either. 

I'm not suggesting that The Ivy is cheap by any stretch of the imagination, however it isn't as crazy outlandish as many imagine and I have to disagree with its detractors, from my multiple visits it has never been anything other than an absolute pleasure and I have no doubt that I will be returning time and time again (especially as my parents now seem to view it as their new London haunt...).

The Ivy

1-5 West St  London WC2H 9NQ 020 7836 4751

Bumpkin, South Kensington

Bumpkin has crept onto the London restaurant market over the last couple of years and spread its tentacles throughout the more traditionally well heeled areas of London. Now appearing in Notting Hill, South Kensington and Chelsea (or "Glamorous Chelsea" as it is described on their website) it is most definitely designed to attract a certain crowd. I'm thinking hangover food for the cast of Made in Chelsea or buggy friendly brunch for perplexed couples looking lost on a Sunday morning when the nanny's got a day off.  The focus here, as we are repeatedly reminded at every opportunity,  is on keeping it British. 

Even the name of the chain tells us a lot. A bit oldy worldy and countrified. Its designed to appeal to those who would ideally take little Tarquin and Lily to the Cotswolds country cottage at weekends to appreciate everything "rural" but have found themselves into negative equity on the townhouse so this will have to do for now. The decor is rustic chic (sometimes too rustic, I snagged my dress on the underside of a table). Leather banquettes rest alongside aged tables and wilting flowers nestle on the side in recycled glass vessels whilst posh wall paper and chandeliers do just enough to make sure we don't forget it's more than a country pub. Ultimately, its a middle class eaterie churning out all the right phrases that make well to do Londoners feel good about themselves; organic, locally sourced, sustainable blah blah. Yes, its all important stuff but its not a business model.  

Sitting in the bar with the intention of a pre-prandial glass of white, I struggled to get the attention of anyone working there. Despite three people stood chatting at a till less than two metres away I was left with my arms flailing wildly like a loon to manage to place an order. Having eventually succeeded in hailing a passing waitress my first choice was "off" and the second arrived just before we were taken to our table. The wine list is limited at best and lacking in quality. Replete with the popular favourites by the glass (all the usual suspects are present, Australian chardonnay, pinot grigio etc) there is nothing there that is going to rock your world or widen your wine knowledge. A £30 bottle of picpoul de pinet was a little too acidic and rather overpriced (£6-7 a bottle retail). 

Despite the menu being pretty wide ranging with nine separate themed sections (such as "Best of British Pies", "Sides from the Garden" and "From British Shores")  I was stumbling to find something that really rocked my boat and made me think "eat me now"..

After rattling mechanically and slightly incomprehensibly through the day's specials, we managed to establish from the waitress that there were two fish specials which we both ended up ordering. In my case this took the form of the monkfish wrapped in bacon with roast asparagus.  Hailing as I do from asparagus land on the borders between Warwickshire and Worcestershire, I am conscious that I am used to very high quality seasonal asparagus. Perhaps this has set lofty standards for my taste in the stuff or perhaps not. This was not so great. Rather too woody in the stem and slightly undercooked, it was a little underwhelming. The monkfish, though, was beautifully cooked. Firm and springy to the touch whilst maintaining a moist succulence. The outstanding highlight of the dish, though, was a bacon tomato jam. Deeply savoury with the salty smoke of the bacon prominent, it was an absolute joy. If I could only have nipped in, bought a jar of the stuff and scooted out again perhaps I would have a rather better opinion of Bumpkin. 

Lacking in carbs somewhat I ordered a side order of chips which arrived in the now ubiquitous mini frying basket and were good and crispy on the outside but a little floury inside. Their main flaw however was that they had a faint but pervading flavour of fish making me wonder whether the fish from the fish and chips (listed on the menu as "sustainably sourced and very British!" - quel surprise...) had been cooked in the same oil.

C went for the other fishy special in the form of a whole seabass. Granted he's not particularly photogenic and would have me running for the hills with all those bones, skin and that milky eye but apparently he was quite well cooked if rather overpriced. 

So pros and cons. The food we had was decent quality and generally presented and prepared competently. Service was mediocre at best. So here's the rub. At over £40 a head for one course and a bottle of very standard wine it didn't feel like great value for money. Would I go back again? If someone told me they were going I wouldn't tell them not to but equally I won't be rushing to recommend it. 

A decade ago Bumpkin would probably have been rather innovative in its offerings both in terms of presentation, sourcing of ingredients and outlook but in a post jubilee come down and a much more crowded market for posh pub grub its image and menu are all rather hackneyed. 

Call me snobby but I'm also yet to find anywhere truly worth revisiting that has also featured in an episode of Made in Chelsea. There is a definite correlation developing. First came an average meal at Le Cercle and their subsequent PR release about featuring in the illustrious Bafta winning show and then up popped Bumpkin on screen in more than one episode. I'm sensing a trend and may have to keep watching only in the interests of knowing where not to go you understand.....

Bumpkin
102 Old Brompton Road
London SW7 3RD
Tel: 020 7341 0802

Mango Tree

I get peckish at about 11am and on a day where there is a dining outing on the cards I generally have a look at the restaurant's website to give myself a taste of what's to come. A mid morning foray onto Mango Tree's website was very telling. I made straight for the menu before exploring the rest of the site. As I may have mentioned (ad nauseum) before, I cannot stand the practice of putting a menu on a website but not including any prices. Its not helpful and it doesn't make you seem any more exclusive, just annoying (or suspected of being overpriced). 

So, in my already irked state I ventured onto some of the more unusual pages of the site. Mango Tree seems to place a lot of emphasis on its celebrity links, a whole section of the website being dedicated to photos of the smiling owners with various 'slebs. Some of them are of the more legitimate nature (I'm thinking Will Smith and Jay Z here) some of them less so - Michael Barrymore, "model and actress" Emma Noble and various lesser characters on Eastenders springing to mind.  Once at the restaurant this panoply of A-Z list is wallpapered on the walls down the stairs to the loos. 

There are certain restaurants in London that so often populate the webpages of discount sites like Toptable that I wonder whether anyone other than gullible tourists ever pay full price. Culprits such as Cafe des Amis and Boulevard Brasserie in Covent Garden spring immediately to mind. 

Mango Tree falls into this category too. This impression of heavy discounting being a permanent business model is reinforced by the fact that their menu has whole sections caveated by the statement  "not available on promotional deals". Although on the higher side for a Thai restaurant, dishes on the standard menu aren't spectacularly expensive; around £5-£7 for a starter or £9-£15 for a main course. But once you know something is routinely discounted why pay full whack?  More expensive are the dishes conceived by "our renowned chef Ian Pengelley". I'm assuming that he's just cashed in by putting his name to some dishes since, as he's chef at Gilgamesh he can't be cooking them.  These can go up to £45 a dish and, depending on the deal you've booked on will either not be discounted at all or by 25% instead of 50.

A "Fruit Kick" non alcoholic cocktail

Mango Tree does have a decent bar and a very good cocktail list. A whole page is devoted to virgin cocktails should you be so inclined. Personally I don't see the point but we had a pregnant person in the group and they seemed impressed with the offerings. After day 2 back from holiday and suffering from post holiday blues, I needed a stiff drink. A Thai Martini hit the spot. Consisting of vodka, lychee liqueur, lemongrass, lychee and chilli, it had enough zing to wake up my palate without blowing my head off.  I could have merrily sat and worked my way through the cocktail list knocking back drinks accompanied by spicy salted nuts but dinner called. 

Moving through to our table you enter the main dining room. Laid out as one narrowish very long room, the majority of tables are lined up quite close together canteen style with larger tables at the side. Other people have described Mango Tree as very high end or classy. I think this is pushing it to be honest. The floor is industrial concrete and the layout is not high end but conversely there are plenty of moody lighting and fresh flowers. This leads to quite a nice relaxed feeling in reality but the wind tunnel and concrete effect result in a noise level that is anything but quiet. If you went in jeans you wouldn't feel out of place but equally if someone suggested it for a date you wouldn't feel shortchanged. You might, however, feel a little odd on a date if you were to turn up on "Mr & Ms Ladyboy Safari" night in September which is heavily advertised both in the restaurant and online. It is, indeed, an annual beauty pageant both for ladyboys and also for men (dressed as men) and has in the past been attended and compered by such luminaries as Cindy from East Enders.

Staff are extremely helpful and attentive (although minus a bonus point for the initial "Still or sparkling" question- another pet hate, that upselling assumption that you will, of course, want mineral water). The wine list isn't stupid and is longer than many Asian restaurants. Some sensible thought has also gone into wine matching as Thai friendly fragrant whites such as gewurz and riesling are on offer. We payed £32 for a bottle of NZ Sauvignon blanc which was fine for what it was and not crazy overpriced. 

We started out with a satay selection, some prawns in blankets (or whatever their Thai name is) and some chicken wings. All the meats were extremely succulent and well seared with delicious dipping sauces. The satay sauce was beautifully balanced between nut and spice without the overly greasy feeling you sometimes get from satay. Chicken wings were properly crispy on the outside without being battered and gently seasoned. This was ideal for me but perhaps less so for a heat-fiend who might order them on the basis of their "spicy" menu billing. 

Mains included chicken pad thai with an egg net (see photo it explains everything) which Im told was a pretty good pad thai. The egg is nothing more than a fancy trimming but it does look rather good and it is hard to make a pad thai exciting. 

The prawn panang red curry was a thing of beauty, the sauce rich and creamy. Giant king prawns nestled amongst holy basil leaves and hard little thai snow aubergines that pop in your mouth releasing their distinctive flavour. Thai curries can be a little hit and miss spice wise. I have had some that blew my head off and cleared out the sinuses for weeks to come and others that are little better than coconut soup. This one struck a happy medium and really did reflect the subtle layers of flavour for which Thai food is renowned. The bitter notes and deep savoury umami of the nam pla fish sauce to the warmth of red chillies and the sweet thickness of the coconut. I would go back again just for this dish.

prawn panang curry

We asked for a recommendation and Talay Pad Cha was suggested. This is essentially spicy wok-fried mixed seafood selection of king prawns, scallops, mussels, fish and squid with fresh chilli, garlic, thai herbs, peppercorns and kachai root. We were warned that it is on the spicy side however S originates from Jamaica and is therefore used to a good dose of heat in her food. I am told that it was indeed delicious but also incredibly spicy.

Talay Pad Cha

I have no idea what the desserts are like. I was stuffed to the gills by the end of the main course and even had to leave one last king prawn behind in my curry. Epic fail. 

I went to Mango tree expecting to hate it with my pen poised to write a cathartic drubbing but came away pleasantly surprised. The food was really quite good for Thai in London and as authentic as you are likely to find. In summary only go you're getting one of their 50% off offers and make sure you drink lots of cocktails.

Mango Tree
46 Grosvenor Place, London. SW1X 7EQ
0207 8231888

Afternoon Tea at Sketch

From the outside Sketch could be just another one of Mayfair's private member's clubs. You know the sort; well kept white painted, stucco fronted Georgian townhouses, guarded by the obligatory bowler hat adorned doorman. Take the first step through the door, though, and you find yourself in a fairytale house, each room more different and stranger than the last. 

In fact, the whole building is all rather crazy fabulous and reminiscent of a set from Alice in Wonderland or Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. A hopscotch chalked on the floor leads you inside from the front door (of course I couldn't resist it, such a child!) to the main desk with a neon art installation inciting you to "jouez" behind it. That kind of sums the whole place up, its all about play.

Sketch's website advertises the afternoon tea as being served in "The Glade" which is effectively one of the bars adjacent to the main restaurant. The walls are painted as a forest and a giant chandelier of branches hangs overhead. LED projectors on the back wall beam little red lights onto the walls refracted by moving mirrors. Whilst its all very pretty, it might have been less disconcerting if the moving lights were white like little zippy fireflies rather than the wandering bright red lights which made you feel every so often as though a rogue sniper had locked his laser target on your dining companion's head. 

Priced at £36 this comes in on a par with various other afternoon teas in London. This possibly didn't feel as good value as some other venues as no refills were offered whereas places like the Ritz and the Berkeley are constantly plate refilling. This is more a psychological issue than a real one though as we did leave feeling full to bursting. A large coupe of Pommery champagne can be added for an extra £12, slightly steep maybe but it makes it more of an occasion

The tea is served in a rather natty stack of plates and cups stuck together to make a three tiered tray. You are advised to begin with the warm pesto and mozzarella croque monsieur wrapped delicately in paper and tied with a yellow ribbon (although the inclusion of a staple to keep the paper attached to the sandwich was perhaps an odd decision from a health and safety perspective). Glorified cheese toastie it may have been but it was also properly delicious. 

Other savouries included a slightly limpid and soggy cucumber and ricotta sandwich topped with asparagus - being the only disappointing thing we ate all afternoon despite being quite pretty. A richly flavoured egg sandwich was topped with caviar and a half quail egg truly taking the humble egg sarnie to new levels.

One of the highlights of the whole tea was the smoked salmon flatbread sandwich which had a fabulous citrus zing to it and may well have been the best smoked salmon sandwich that I have ever eaten.

Scones were springy and buttery and peppered with raisins. Served warm and tucked away in  a napkin cradle, they were the epitome of a classic British afternoon tea. Coated with excellent clotted cream including the obligatory yellowy crust and beautiful smooth, sloppy strawberry jam and orange marmalade. I'm definitely a cream first then jam girl. It really is amazing quite how heated a "discussion" can become about which way round to do it! Who on earth in their right mind would ever put the jam on first? Honestly! There was supposed to be a scone photo but I got over keen and jumped in teeth first before remembering I was supposed to be taking a picture.

The pastries were by far and away the highlight of the experience though- and so they should be coming from a Pierre Gagnaire managed kitchen in all honesty. Pistachio macaroons were a rich green with pistachio ganache filling. Nothing new you might suppose but they held the surprise of a sweet cherry hidden deep inside the filling whilst dainty, pink raspberry meringues were stuck together with a runny but tangy raspberry coulis. Coffee eclairs were firm of choux pastry but squidgy of middle, stuffed with a delicate coffee custard. The Opera cake was a complete success; praline, cream and chocolate sponge topped off with a perfect mirror smooth slick of chocolate ganache on the top.  Red berry tartlets consisted of a crumbly, buttery soft pastry filled with a wobbly creme anglaise and topped off with sugar dusted berries. 

Topping the triple-tiered tower of treats was a trifle. Not just any old trifle but one described as "cheesecake in a glass". A sweet but tangy rhubarb compote was tempered by a creamy layer before a jelly and crumble completed the topping. All your nursery favourites in one little shot glass. 

The "parlour" room serves all day food and drink and serves larger cakes on their own so even if you're not up for the full ritual of an afternoon tea it makes an excellent pitstop for a quick cake or cocktail during a hard day's shopping on Regent Street or Bond Street. 

The tea selection is very good, a full selection from over 15 teas, including all the golden oldie black teas (earl grey, English breakfast, Assam etc), a couple of Oolongs, white tea through to several green teas, the list culminating in the heavy matcha green tea. I went for the flowering osmanthus green tea, mainly because it looks so pretty as the flower opens. 

Its impossible to write anything about Sketch without mentioning the toilets, they are without a shadow of a doubt the craziest toilets I've ever seen. Up a bright white spiral staircase to a stark white garden of eggs with a huge rainbow curved glass roof above. Each toilet is a pod within a separate egg. When Sketch first opened there were all sorts of rumours about the pods being used for various nefarious purposes, some just about legal, some not so much and I can well imagine it.

Were there any negatives other than the "no refills"? Hmmm maybe the service which swung from super attentive to sporadic and was on occasion a tiny bit patronising ("You've managed to finish all that food? Oh well done you!"). Looking around though the average clientele does seem to still be very "fashiony/PR/mediaaah" so its entirely possible that most people don't finish the tea. Oooops. 

So how did it measure up on the afternoon tea scale? Visually the Berkeley really would take some beating but purely on a taste basis Sketch was a winner for the combination of flavours and avoidance of over cloying sweetness. That said The Berkeley, although a bit less trendy, felt like more of a treat so I'd probably go back there before Sketch. One thing that is worth remembering though is that afternoon tea is served until 6pm so it does make a more novel alternative to pre theatre dining in the West End.

Sketch
9 Conduit Street, London. W1S 2XG
+44 (0) 207 659 4500

 

Meson Don Felipe

I hadn't meant to go to Meson Don Felipe on a rainy Saturday lunchtime, my intention had been to go to a cheese and wine festival on the Southbank but on arrival I found Lebanese shwarma, the ubiquitous burger, ice cream and various other foodstuffs but not so much in the way of either cheese or wine sadly. Add intermittent drizzle to the mix and it was game over for the wine festival. Cue a wander down The Cut with P and we found our way to Meson Don Felipe (MDF).

The restaurant was reputedly founded in 1897 and has been offering tapas since before any of the rest of London had ever even heard the term 'tapas' let alone bastardised it to fit various other types of cuisine.

I have been several times before over the years and always had a great  evening both in terms of atmosphere and food. Decor is probably as close to a traditional Barcelona tapas bar as you are ever going to find in London. There is nothing trendy or themed about this place, it is Spanish through and through with no pretensions. Art on the walls and ceramic tiles surrounding the room are unmistakably Spanish.  Rustic wooden furniture and bar and a ladder to a small platform mounted by an amp which is often home to an elderly guitarist playing traditional Spanish music. There is nothing swanky about it, its just honest genuine good food in relaxed surroundings. Great first date location, nothing OTT.  

The menu contains all the old typical tapas favourites; tortilla, garlic prawns, croquetas, patatas bravas, sardines with good the good quality basics; iberico and serrano ham and manchego. 

This place is, frankly, what La Tasca is aiming to be except they can't make new surroundings look and old and you certainly can't recreate a one off as a chain, it loses something in translation.  

All that said, I'm sad to say that on this occasion it wasn't great. Nothing to do with the food that was as good as usual. We took a seat at the bar and set about ordering. There was one other pair at a table on the other side of the room and bar that, the whole place was deserted. Two couples came in tried to get a table but were put off by gruff staff and wandered back out. A more persistent group of four came in from the rain at 3.30pm and asked for a table in the near desolate restaurant. They were extremely reluctantly offered one but "only if you can promise to be gone by 7pm". How much tapas would four people have to eat to manage to stay there for nearly three and a half hours? I understand the need to ensure tables are ready and available for fixed bookings but it was a bit ridiculous.  Couple this with the overwhelming aroma of bleach that the staff were using to the clean the bar and it wasn't the most welcoming atomsphere. In all honesty, it was rather clear that all 8 patrons were an irritant. If you don't want custom between lunch and dinner then don't stay open. I do think that this was very much to do with the time of day though and would still recommend an evening visit.

The wine list is, of course, unmistakably Spanish, rioja and other tempranillo based wines understandably dominate. We had a bottle of rioja around the £23 mark and it hit the spot on a rainy day, the warmth of the Spanish sun shining through the fruit with gentle oak and a little tobacco providing interest and complexity.  MDF apparently own a Valencian vineyard so I'd be keen to try that next time.

I am a croqueta addict, I love the things, ideally with ham or prawn. The ones at Meson Don Felipe are chicken but still tasty and properly squidgy in the middle with a crisp, breadcrumby batter on the outside. A squeeze of lemon and I'm in Catalan heaven.

Escalivada can be chosen either hot or cold. It being all grim and non summery outside we went hot. Soft slivers of smoky roast peppers cuddle up to aubergine and tomato in a shiny coating of olive oil. 

Spanish tortilla was a good flavour and golden served piping hot providing the perfect foil to salty rich ham. Baked chorizo is just heavenly, nothing fancy just really rather good.

Would I go back? Yes, but only at night.

Meson Don Felipe
53, The Cut, London
020 7928 3237

Afternoon 'Pret a Portea' at the Berkeley

In over a decade of living in London, I realise that I have not really given the Great British institution of the afternoon tea a good enough hearing. The problem is that I don't drink tea and have a well known aversion to all things cucumber thereby eliminating cucumber sandwiches with crusts or otherwise. Should that matter though? The ritual of Afternoon tea is really very little to do with the tea isn't it?

A few years ago I had a rather lovely champagne fuelled outing to the Ritz where none of the other guests were filling in the song request cards for the pianist so endless, magically self-refilling platters of sandwiches and cakes were consumed to a soundtrack of our own personal piano karaoke. Can afternoon tea get any better?



So, to The Berkeley. H had very kindly given me an afternoon tea voucher for my birthday last year which, of course, I had left until the very last moment to book before it expired. One thing that is for sure about afternoon teas, they get more booked up than dinner at almost all of the most popular London restaurants. The Goring has recently been voted top afternoon tea in London and there is no chance of a weekend seat before the autumn, Claridges are quoting October. Having spent the weekend spring cleaning my flat destroying my manicure whilst knee deep in mops, cloths and a lifetime supply of Flash All-purpose cleaning liquid, I needed a bit of glamour so off to the Berkeley for a Sunday evening tea.

The "Pret a Portea" was introduced back in 2004 as quite a clever spin on the traditional British afternoon tea.   Biscuits and cakes are inspired by haute couture designers and their collections and, as such, the treats on offer change from season to season.

Located sensibly close to Harvey Nichols and all sorts of other lovely shops, it makes an excellent place for a pit stop to refuel. The event (and it really does feel like an 'event') began with a plate of sandwiches; tomato bread (albeit with the dreaded cucumber), curry bread with prawn and olive (slightly odd as the prawns seemed to have been pureed), poppy seed bread with pastrami and the same with smoked salmon and a little wholewheat roll with egg mayonnaise.  All the breads are made in house and were worthwhile additions to the cakes. 

Sandwiches are accompanied by a plate of canapes (in this case a tuna tartare with quails egg, goats cheese on a cheesy buscuit, smoked duck vol au vent, turkey layered with chestnut puree and some of sort of beetroot spicy curried lamb confection which was probably the tastiest). 

Whilst the savouries are all very delicate and nice, the real draw here is the cakes. You are talked through a little brochure showing the designer garments on which the cakes have been modelled. I understand that the pastry chefs even go so far as attending some of the fashion shows to see their inspiration on the catwalk and various glossy magazines advise on seasonal trends (no doubt leading to this year's neon placeholders, menus and doggy handbags).  Confectionery reinterpretations are imaginative and not always the obvious. Whilst some pieces are direct iced biscuit versions of original designs (such as the maple and ginger Fendi yellow shoe and the chocolate Marc Jacobs red blazer), others are more avant garde. 

 Original Yves St Laurent Cabas bag

A green handbag was made of coloured moulding chocolate and was a dainty little replica of the Yves Saint Laurent "Cabas Chyc" bag.

The cakes that I found most interesting were the ones that didn't try to be exact replicas of their inspiration but were a riff on the original theme. The rose macaroon had been styled in homage to a Giambattista Valli dress and had a very subtle rose flavour (nothing worse than eating a cake that tastes like soap).

A nougatine and 'berriolette' mousse (no me neither....think it might be an invented word for mixed berries as found no references on Google other than the Berkeley- happy to be corrected though!) was topped with a chocolate printed with a geometric pattern taken from a Prada garment thereby drawing inspiration from the fabric rather than the item of clothing. 

Gianduja cream sponge has an excellent flavour and the sponge is decorated in the bright pink polka dot design of a Manolo Blahnik stiletto. 

Real Fendi boot thing. 

Biscuit Fendi boot

If you aren't particularly girly or into fashion then I think there are maybe better places to take your afternoon tea as some of the cakes do fall into the 'style over substance' category, when you are using that much fondant or moulding chocolate to replicate real garments and accessories it is always bound to happen.

Despite having been stuffed to the gills with as many mini handbags or shoes as you manage, each diner is given a doggy bag which is in the shape of a handbag (of course it is, why am I even surprised?!) There were plenty of slightly red faced men leaving the dining room unsure of the most macho way to carry a small neon cardboard handbag filled with little cakes- bet they ate them all when they got home though!

Pret a Portea at The Berkeley Hotel
Caramel Room
Wilton Place, London, SW1X 7RL
(0207) 1078866